Is relationship anarchy a front?
Avoid these pitfalls
Hi friends,
I’ve talked before about relationship anarchy but I haven’t gone into great detail about my journey to this way of life. In 2006, Swedish anarchist Andie Nordgren coined the term in a manifesto with nine core principles:
Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique
Love and respect instead of entitlement
Find your core set of relationship values
Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you
Build for the lovely unexpected
Fake it til’ you make it
Trust is better
Change through communication
Customize your commitments
I came across this world when I was exploring relationship styles after calling off an engagement that would have ended in a second divorce if I’d gone through with it. I was lost. I didn’t want a husband…the idea of choosing a person to my “my person” for life was overwhelming and unappealing. But I was still drawn to the idea of meeting new dates and making new friends. I wanted relationships that toed the line between platonic and romantic. Friends with benefits, but not so gross-sounding.
But if you’re on multiple dating apps, you’ll notice that — though each app claims to have a unique vibe (Bumble is where the ladies make the first move, Tinder is for hookups, Hinge is for dates) — you may find yourself swiping through the same faces on every app. We’re all casting the same wide net and it’s coming up empty.
This comes up in relationship anarchy, too. First, I need to find someone who even knows what it is or who isn’t immediately relieved that I won’t expect common decency from them because I’m non-monogamous (joke’s on them!). And even when I do find someone who claims to be a relationship anarchist, it can be more of the same red flags: sexualizing me too soon, married but exploring, not interested in dates, etc.
So what should you look out for if you’re exploring relationship anarchy?
Red Flags for Relationship Anarchy
They try to sound enlightened. I know I’m writing about a manifesto and relationship styles, but hey, it’s a newsletter that you’re choosing to read! I cannot stand when a man tries to preach to me the virtues of non-monogamy immediately after I tell him that I’m not looking for “the one.” Usually it’s some speech about how men are “naturally non-monogamous” or something about evolution and man’s need to spread his seed. I’m yawning and cringing just typing this.
They have a primary relationship. One of the tenets of relationship anarchy is “customize your commitments” and I get it, that can mean so many things. But as I’ve written about before, dating in any non-monogamous community can mean running into hierarchies. If you’re decidedly single (or solo poly), it can be easy to feel disregarded as an outsider to other peoples’ relationships. For me, relationship anarchy means anarchy. No primary relationships, no hierarchy. Everyone is treated equally, and that can be hard to do with people in such publicly committed relationships.
They haven’t read the relationship anarchy manifesto. It’s super easy to get excited when you find a relationship style that speaks to you. After my divorce, I was desperate to land somewhere that felt right. In my search for a relationship style that spoke to me, I read everything I could get my hands on. More Than Two and The Ethical Slut were required reading. These books set up a shared language for polyamory. The relationship anarchist manifesto does the same! It’s important to be sure we’re speaking the same language and not just running with what we think sounds right.
They sexualize you early on. I could just keep this as a rider on every list of red flags. It’s that important. Every time I think I’ve found someone who understands I get so excited to have a new friend! Someone who just gets it. Then they start hinting at how “hot” I am or “I bet you’ve hooked up with a ton of people!” Yeah…I guess…I’m bored and we’re done here.
They treat you poorly (lack of communication, consistency, or not asking anything about you). Just as with polyamory, I’ve come across some folks in the relationship anarchist community who prioritize “customize your commitments” over “love and respect.” These types of people see any non-monogamous relationship style as a chance to just be jerks. If they toss their hands up and say “What did you expect? I’m a relationship anarchist!” you should toss their number.