ENM, Poly, Open - Oh My!
Part Deaux
Hi friends,
In a post from earlier this year, I talked about ENM, open, and polyamorous relationships. What do they all mean and how do you navigate this world?! If you haven’t already, check out that post.
But - SHOCKER - I’ve encountered even more red flags! On a date last week, I thought I’d finally met the perfect non-monogamous partner. He was respectful, kind, and open about the fact that he was married and they’ve discussed this at length, which is how he ended up here at drinks with me. I asked the usual questions: “Does your wife know you’re here? Is she comfortable with this?” He answered all my questions about his knowledge of ethical non-monogamy and he’d read all the books.
So when he walked me to my car at the end of the night, passionately kissing me goodbye, I actually had my hopes up that this could be a new friend.
Of course that’s not how it always happens.
Not 24-hours later, “his wife” had had a change of heart and we could ever speak again. Right…your wife…who was soooo comfortable about this last night…Folks, we’ve got another cheater on our hands.
So how do you navigate this world as a single person dating otherwise partnered people?
Red Flags for Living the Solo Poly Life
They have a primary partner — and they immediately begin complaining about them. I’m not here to fill a void or bash your partner(s). Talk to THEM or your therapist.
They sexualize you and complain about how their primary partner isn’t fulfilling their needs. Again, I don’t exist to give you what you’re “not getting elsewhere.” I’m my own person with my own wants and needs outside of whatever the hell you’re trying to escape.
They dodge questions about boundaries and consent. This is a big one! People who are quick to dive into what they want from you sexually before asking about boundaries aren’t interested in treating you like a human being. They don’t care what you want, they don’t care what your boundaries are. They are on a mission and their tunnel vision won’t let them recognize you as a person deserving of respect and dignity.
They give you a list of things they “aren’t allowed to do” outside of their primary partnership, and proceed to attempt to do them with you anyway. At first, you’re building trust listing out your boundaries. But then it turns into “Well…you’re so special and I’ve never felt this way about anyone else…so…it won’t hurt if we just cross the line…” Say what you will about cheating and “home-wrecking”, but in the polyamorous community keep an eye out for people who claim to have one person whose wishes are really important to them, only for that same person to break every one of those wishes.
They’re “exploring the lifestyle”. Couples trying to spice up their marriages, f*** boys who are building a harem of women to disrespect, and people testing what they can get away with in their monogamous relationships before getting caught are WALKING RED FLAGS! Beware.
ALL OF THIS.