ENM, Open, Poly — words matter
Red flags for those new to the "lifestyle"
Hi Friends,
I was recently talking to some friends about a man on a dating app who was looking for someone to help him cheat on his wife. His profile said he was “non-monogamous” so I understood the “ethically” part to be implied (as in “ENM” or “ethically non-monogamous”).
When I asked how he defined “non-monogamous,” he said he’s in an open relationship — but his wife doesn’t know.
Red flags flying.
If you’re swiping away and keep seeing ENM, open, or polyamorous in peoples’ profiles, here are some red flags to look out for based on my experiences.
Red Flags for The LifeStyle
He uses lines like “men aren’t meant to be monogamous” and laughs at you wanting a monogamous relationship. Just because it’s becoming more openly acceptable to live different relationship styles doesn’t mean it’s no longer acceptable to want monogamy. Do what feels best for you. Anyone who tries to guilt trip, gaslight, or pseudo-science their way into your bed or into cheating on you is a walking red flag.
He says “non-monogamous” but leaves out the “ethical” part. We covered this above, but I want to stress that you should ask what this all means to them. Words matter and ENM stresses consent and the ethical treatment of all involved. So if they’re leaving it out…red flag.
He’s a “relationship anarchist” who needs a “friend with benefits” until he meets the one. Stick with me here: relationship anarchy does away with hierarchy. So everyone is more or less treated equally, loved equally. If someone says they believe in this, yet they’re looking for “the one” or they claim to have a “primary partner,” they’re just tossing words around to see what sticks with you. (I’m not incredibly bitter and annoyed that I keep having this conversation on dating apps…oh not at all 🙄)
He asks for an “open relationship” but gets upset when you start dating. It’s not always easy exploring new ways to love. Some men will test your boundaries and tolerance for cheating by disguising their desire to cheat as something that would benefit both of you. But if you take them at their word, you’re the problem. So tread wisely and ask a ton of questions. Set firm boundaries and be careful.
Finally, he’s unclear about what he’s looking for. Some folks out there will go with the flow until the wheels fall off. Sometimes that’s great, but other times, it can be infuriating. If you’re sure that you want some form of non-monogamy OR you’re looking for the love of your life, but the person you’re falling for is wishy-washy RUN. You may get invested thinking you’re headed in one direction, and your new boo will make a sudden left-turn into territory you want nothing to do with — all because they want to “check it out” or “see how it feels.” It’s fine if they’re still finding themselves, but beware of someone who isn’t firm in what they want out of a relationship.