"What are we?"
Red Flags for Defining a Relationship
Hi Friends,
You may be familiar with the “What are we?” question, but have you noticed that as we become more aware of our wants, needs, and boundaries, we have less patience for this conversation? Or maybe it’s just me…
I once heard the advice: "Instead of asking "What are we?”, state what you want.” It would sound something like, “I’d like us to start dating exclusively. How does that sound to you?”
In this scenario, you're setting yourself up to not be strung along and avoiding a delay in acknowledging any long-term incompatibility. It’s also a great opportunity to sus out some red flags!
Red Flags for Defining a Relationship
He introduces your mom as his mother-in-law…but you’re not engaged and have only been dating for a few months.
He’s desperate for a wife. In my experience, men who talk a lot about wanting a wife don’t often talk about what a great husband they would be. To me, “looking for a wife” is code for “I have a void to fill, and any warm body that meets the bare minimum will do.”
He jokes about your future a little too seriously. Jokes like “I wonder whose house we’ll have to sell after the wedding?” and “I love your mom’s name! It would be a great name for a first daughter,” can be cute, but also confusing to giggle over on a second date.
Your timelines don’t match. If you’re clear on what you want, but your date’s actions consistently show the opposite, defining the relationship may be a waste of time. Whether they’re moving too fast or too slow, this person isn’t right for you.
They don’t react well to what you want. An amazing reaction for when you’re not quite on the same page, but not ready to call it quits is “We’re reading the same book, we’re just on different chapters.” On the other hand, if he dismisses your wants, changes the subject, or gaslights you in any way, take it as a sign that this may not work out long-term.