Please don't call me chocolate
Beware these cross-cultural dating red flags
Hi friends,
It’s been FOREVER since I’ve been able to talk to you all. Just know that I’ve been going THROUGH IT on dating apps (and on TikTok) trying to break free of the mountain of red flags that surround us single folk.
Just the other day, I matched with someone I found attractive. I’m a Black woman—an equal opportunity dater—and he’s a white man. His first message to me? “Do you like white boys?”
…and here we go!
This doesn’t happen often, but when it does, my eyes can’t roll hard enough. If you’re like me, and you sometimes date people from cultures different from yours, here’s what I suggest you watch out for:
Stereotyping: If your new match constantly (or IMMEDIATELY) makes assumptions about your behavior or personality based on your race, or if they make comments that are offensive or derogatory, this could be a sign that they’re stereotyping you and your culture.
Cultural insensitivity: Speaking of culture, if someone you’re into is dismissive or disrespectful of your culture, or if they fail to understand or appreciate your cultural practices, don’t bother.
Exoticism: This is something that I struggle with spotting, honestly. If you get the sense that someone views your race as exotic or fetishizes your ethnicity, this could be a red flag. This type of behavior can be objectifying and dehumanizing. Think: “I love your chocolate lips” *shudder*
Lack of understanding: If they’re not willing to learn about your culture or is not interested in understanding your experiences as a person of color, they don’t want to understand you. I could go on and on with examples, but I’ll save that for another email. Just trust me, if they belittle your cultural norms, RUN.
Lack of support: This is a big one. If someone you’ve been dating isn’t willing to support you in the face of racism or discrimination, or if they deny the existence of racism altogether, you’ve GOT to get out of there.
Again, so far I haven’t had to deal with a ton of this with anyone I actually care about. And I’ve learned to unmatch the instant I get the racism ick. I date people I find attractive and interesting—and dating within your culture doesn’t prevent these red flags 100%—but the minute someone on an app (anyone) calls me “chocolate” or asks if I’m “into white guys,” I’m OUT.