"Emotional (Un)Availability"
Hi Friends,
Lately, I’ve been thinking about terms like “emotional availability” and how I feel like we say these terms and I know what it means in my head, but does the person I’m talking to know what I mean?
“When we say someone is emotionally unavailable, we mean that they are not comfortable feeling their own emotions, sharing emotions with others, or being present and responsive to someone else’s emotions,” says Dr. Lindsay Jernigan, a licensed clinical psychologist in South Burlington, Vermont.
Dating an emotionally unavailable person can be frustrating and leave you feeling alone and confused.
Here are five red flags to watch out for:
He doesn't share his feelings. He keeps his emotions bottled up, then shakes it until it explodes like a McDonald’s Sprite. This type of partner is unpredictable and can trigger some childhood trauma, or lead to new traumas. Watch out.
He's not interested in your feelings. Have you ever been really upset about something and you tell the person you’re dating and their reaction is…lackluster? On one end, maybe they didn’t hear you. Maybe they’re distracted. On the other end, maybe they can’t identify with you and just don’t care. Dating someone who makes you question whether or not they care about your feelings is a major emotional drain. Let them take their emotional unavailability elsewhere.
He's not willing to compromise. Let’s face it, compromise is a part of life. But if I’m being honest, the older I get, the less I’m willing to compromise on my boundaries and values. But in my most recent relationship, compromise felt exhausting. I felt like I was being worn down. After some time, I realized it was because I was the only one doing it.
(Bare with me here) He's not present in the moment. It would be unfair to force everyone into your level of executive function. BUT, self-awareness goes a long way. Whether it helps you to focus on a conversation by looking away (so little to no eye contact) or you tend to daydream during a serious conversation, know this about yourself and communicate it to your partner or date. Someone who is always distracted or doesn’t take your conversations seriously sounds like they’re just not interested. And that’s not cute.
He's defensive. There’s not willing to compromise and there’s getting angry at the very suggestion that they could be wrong. For me, there’s something to be said about those who can’t be open-minded enough to consider different perspectives, even if it means they’re wrong. Defensive people have no give. Eventually, this relationship will drain you.