Bonus Content: Dating Games
A whole new meaning
I recently posted about an awkward date I had yesterday with a potential covert narcissist. There’s so much more to this date, y’all.
First, let’s repeat the definition of covert narcissism:
Covert narcissism refers to a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) where individuals exhibit narcissistic traits but in a more subtle and less overt manner compared to the typical grandiose and attention-seeking behavior associated with narcissism. While overt or grandiose narcissists display their sense of superiority and self-importance openly, covert narcissists tend to be more introverted, sensitive, and prone to feelings of insecurity.
At first, I thought that this was just an awkward date. He’s nervous and that’s totally normal. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized why I was so triggered: I’ve seen this before.
A few things stood out on this date:
He didn’t stand up or hug me or shake my hand to greet me
He refused eye contact
He insisted on playing a dating game/drinking game (despite me saying I was still sick from drinking too much recently and didn’t want to drink)
Whenever I tried to elaborate on a question, he would shut me down and redirect us back to his drinking game
If I asked a question outside of the drinking game, he would seem thrown off and frustrated
When my stomach started churning, I left, and he suggested we try again…or never
About 20 minutes into the date, I felt a wave of nausea. I could barely move or lift my head. I couldn’t tell if it was something I ate or drank, but looking back, I realized I was having a panic attack.
The date was suffocating me. He wouldn’t let me speak. Wouldn’t respond to any funny joke I attempted to make. He was so insistent about driving the structure of the date and the conversation. He came prepared to have the date of his dreams, whether or not I liked it. My body was trying to get me out of there. So how did I get out? Here are some suggestions to help navigate the situation:
Remain calm: As I’ve written about before, I’ve had to get out of my dates after a man flipped a table because I wouldn’t go home with him. Maintain a calm and positive demeanor despite the awkwardness. Avoid getting visibly flustered or upset, as it can escalate the discomfort. Remind yourself that awkwardness is common and temporary.
Diffuse, diffuse, diffuse: Make a joke and lighten the mood. In my case, I joked about a 3-day hangover that was causing stomach issues. Getting old, amirite?
Acknowledge the awkwardness: A simple, "Well, this is a bit awkward, isn't it?” Goes a long way. “It be like that sometimes,” as the kids say.
Be polite, yet firm: I was nervous about leaving a date 20 minutes in. What if I hurt his feelings? What if he gets angry like that guy I wouldn’t go home with? No matter how hurt he may be, I need to maintain my boundaries and get out of situations that make me feel unsafe. When he asked if I was sure I needed to leave, I said with confidence, “Yes.”
Trust your gut, literally: The minute my stomach started bubbling, I took it seriously. I don’t want to be here, I have to get out. This isn’t fun, this isn’t a good use of my time, this man is nice, but also rude and I can’t reconcile that. My anxiety was through the roof. It’s ok if it’s not a good match. It’s ok to trust your gut and end a date early if you’re feeling uncomfortable.
No one is perfect and first dates are awkward. Follow my lead: trust yourself and prioritize your well-being if you’re feeling uncomfortable and get out.